Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

10.3.10

The donkey who fell down into a well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well..

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!





Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.



Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen..
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less




NOW ....... Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

(thanks Henry!)

f

26.1.10

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye
and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee
li
ttle ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going
to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for
ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.




Some years later they met again.


The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?'


She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'


The Father asked, 'And tell me,

have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin candle.'



(thanks Bill & Jim)




...apologies to 'Uncle Ronnie', I just loved the pic! lol


f



22.10.09

Personal Ad Secrets

How to Read Personal Ads:

WOMEN'S ADS

Adventurer - Will sleep with all your friends
Average looking - Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Redhead - Bad dye-job
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Free spirit - Junkie
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Open-minded - Desperate
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
Athletic - No boobs
Old-fashioned - Lights-out, missionary position & nothing else!
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional - Certified B**ch
Romantic - Looks better by candlelight
Social - Been passed-around like an hors doeuvres tray
40-ish - 49
Young at heart - Wears 'Depends'
Widow - Drove first husband to shoot himself
Curvy - Fat
Feminist - Fat ballbuster
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height - Huge and Fat
Reubenesque - Fat as a house!
Wants Soulmate - Stalker


MEN'S ADS

Athletic - Watches ESPN all day
Educated - Patronizing jerk
Good looking - Arrogant jerk
Very good looking - Dumb as a board
Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
Free spirit - Will try to bang your sister
Open-minded - Will try to bang your roommate
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Honest - Pathological Liar
40-ish-52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Mature - Older than your father
Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Huggable - Overweight and more body hair than a bear
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Poet - Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive - Gay
Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful - Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Frank
(aka: Huggable, lol)