the newest version of fascism - it's a beautiful thing... (yaaay)
f
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
29.4.10
A word on my home state's new immigration law
the newest version of fascism - it's a beautiful thing... (yaaay)
f
15.4.10
having a bad day at work?
Have you ever felt like this
when you are overloaded by your boss ???
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
...ah, reminds me of my days at Boeing, lol
f
8.4.10
things that can go very wrong at a gig - vol. I
For the touring musician, an occasional 'tough lesson' that I am reminded of living (and eating) down here. Definitely make sure that you're well-accustomed to the local cuisine's impact on you - before-hand!
I know, T-M-I, but a cautionary tale for those who make their living on-stage.
lol
f
10.3.10
The donkey who fell down into a well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well..
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen..
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less
NOW ....... Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
(thanks Henry!)
f
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen..
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less
NOW ....... Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
(thanks Henry!)
f
5.2.10
Always Ask - Never Assume !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go!'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
He responded, 'I need to get some close up shots.'
'But Why, I don't understand?!' repeated the pilot, a bit puzzled.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN; I need the shots the news this evening!' he insisted,
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?!!'
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"
(thanks Maribeth)
f
f
26.1.10
Irish Birth Control
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye
and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee
little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going
to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for
ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin candle.'
(thanks Bill & Jim)
...apologies to 'Uncle Ronnie', I just loved the pic! lol
f
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye
and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee
little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going
to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for
ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin candle.'
(thanks Bill & Jim)
...apologies to 'Uncle Ronnie', I just loved the pic! lolf
20.1.10
10.1.10
An Old Pilot
Ya think you have lived a good, long life and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old pilot, wearing his flight jacket, sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Excuse me, are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Pipers, flew a B-29 in WWII, and an F-86 Sabre Jet later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
'What about you?' he aske
d.
d.She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.f
3.12.09
The Perfect Recipe for Christmas
BE SURE TO READ THE WHOLE RECIPE AND
FOLLOW EVERY STEP CAREFULLY :-)
1 cup water
1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila (Jose Cuervo or your other favorite brand)
Directions:
1. Sample the tequila to check quality.
1. Sample the tequila to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup tequila and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one peastoon of sugar.
7. Beat again.
8. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup just in case.
9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose witha drewscriver.
14. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. 
15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
16. Who geeves a sheet.
17. Check the tequila.
18. Add one table.
19. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
20. Whatever you can find.
21. Greash the oven.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fool over.
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl threw tha window, finish the quetila and make sure to put tha stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
(thanks Mike..!)
22.10.09
Personal Ad Secrets
How to Read Personal Ads:
WOMEN'S ADS
Adventurer - Will sleep with all your friends
Average looking - Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Redhead - Bad dye-job
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Free spirit - Junkie
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Open-minded - Desperate
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
Athletic - No boobs
Old-fashioned - Lights-out, missionary position & nothing else!
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional - Certified B**ch
Romantic - Looks better by candlelight
Social - Been passed-around like an hors doeuvres tray
40-ish - 49
Young at heart - Wears 'Depends'
Widow - Drove first husband to shoot himself
Curvy - Fat
Feminist - Fat ballbuster
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height - Huge and Fat
Reubenesque - Fat as a house!
Wants Soulmate - Stalker
MEN'S ADS
Athletic - Watches ESPN all day
Educated - Patronizing jerk
Good looking - Arrogant jerk
Very good looking - Dumb as a board
Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
Free spirit - Will try to bang your sister
Open-minded - Will try to bang your roommate
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Honest - Pathological Liar
40-ish-52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Mature - Older than your father
Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Huggable - Overweight and more body hair than a bear
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Poet - Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive - Gay
Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful - Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Frank
(aka: Huggable, lol)
WOMEN'S ADS
Adventurer - Will sleep with all your friends
Average looking - Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Redhead - Bad dye-job
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Free spirit - Junkie
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Open-minded - Desperate
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
Athletic - No boobs
Old-fashioned - Lights-out, missionary position & nothing else!
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional - Certified B**ch
Romantic - Looks better by candlelight
Social - Been passed-around like an hors doeuvres tray
40-ish - 49
Young at heart - Wears 'Depends'
Widow - Drove first husband to shoot himself
Curvy - Fat
Feminist - Fat ballbuster
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height - Huge and Fat
Reubenesque - Fat as a house!
Wants Soulmate - Stalker
MEN'S ADS
Athletic - Watches ESPN all day
Educated - Patronizing jerk
Good looking - Arrogant jerk
Very good looking - Dumb as a board
Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
Free spirit - Will try to bang your sister
Open-minded - Will try to bang your roommate
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Honest - Pathological Liar
40-ish-52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Mature - Older than your father
Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Huggable - Overweight and more body hair than a bear
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Poet - Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive - Gay
Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful - Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Frank
(aka: Huggable, lol)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)