26.1.10

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye
and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee
li
ttle ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going
to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for
ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.




Some years later they met again.


The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan,
how are ye these days?'


She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'


The Father asked, 'And tell me,

have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin candle.'



(thanks Bill & Jim)




...apologies to 'Uncle Ronnie', I just loved the pic! lol


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20.1.10

a winter poem...


'WINTER'


by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


















Shit it's cold!
The End


(thanks Mike)
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10.1.10

An Old Pilot














Ya think you have lived a good, long life and know who you are, then along c
omes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old pilot, wearing his flight jacket, sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Excuse me, are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Pipers, flew a B-29 in WWII, and an F-86 Sabre Jet later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

'What about you?' he asked.
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

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9.1.10

the Reyes Magos

No Santa Claus in this part of the world
In the United States we know them as 'the three wise men' or 'the three kings'. In Mexico, they are called the 'Reyes Magos', which literally translates as 'the wizard kings'. This is significant as the Christmas season that we celebrate a bit more north of here pretty much ends after New Years Day, (called Ano Nuevo in Spanish), where folks here keep it going for several more yet.

When I returned to my work on the the following Monday, I noticed several desks open. Wondering if there had been a layoff, I was 'educated' about the holidays here in Mexico; turns out that many, if not most people take vacation all of the way through the end of the following week after New Years to observe the companion holiday of January 6th, Reyes Magos.

I guess they are starting to expect my usual expression of "what in the flying crap is that...?!" so they coupled it with a brief explanation - my coworkers are very patient with my gringo mannerisms, luckily.

Here's the skinny: Up north and in much part of the western world, there is a jolly 'ol elf, or some derivative or him, known as everything from Father Christmas to Santa Claus. In Mexico, the gifts kids look forward to do not 'magically appear' on the morning of December 25th, but rather the morning of January 6th. Also, in keeping with the much more religious observance of the holiday here, the gifts are not the the product of the kindness of ol' Saint Nick but rather the three kings of biblical fame. Obviously, the story of the nativity mentions them arriving after first seeing and then following the dang old star for several days only to arrive, turns out according to the Catholic tradition, on the 6th of January, a full 12 days later - you know, the 12 days of Christmas..!

Anyway, while I'm staring at my aircraft components being put together, a bunch of kids are having a blast tearing into their gifts that same morning, with their happy parents watching the fun. Perhaps I got the short end of that deal, but to me a beautiful new A-320 Main Landing Gear is (almost) as pretty as anything that I ever got on Christmas, except that one time my girlfriend showed up wearing nothing but a cute ribbon.... well, you get the idea. lol


A Nativity Scene for the Ages
(or what happens when you give a bunch of artists a lot of money and a large space downtown)

So on my way back from Harry's a few weeks back, I had to navigate my way through a huge operation that had literally taken-over my usual path back to my apartment, which passes through a park in the Centro Historico. Again, my usual expression of "what in the flying crap is that all about...?!" was probably apparent as I watched a large crew of workers and electricians moving massive amounts of equipment, statues, lighting and probably a mile or two of electrical cables and rope lights out of semi truck trailers and lay it all out covering the entirety of the park. It looked like the makings of a Las Vegas-style show complete with elephants.

Turns out I was not that far off...


Mary gets the news that 'the rabbit died'

Walking up towards the park on my way to Harry's to have a cocktail and type away at this laptop for a few hours, I saw a massive glow coming from its entirety, as if a group of UFO's had landed and were lighting-up the trees and creating a huge halo effect that could be seen for a quarter mile distance. As I got closer, the lighting was even more complex than I had first thought and I could see that the mile or two of light-roping had been ran upward from the ground and wrapped around each tree, with white being the most common, but also some blues here and there, (and on the far end was a corner done completely in red - "what in the flying crap is that all about...?!"). I would find that one out in due time.

Approaching the NW corner of the park, I was greeted by, of all things, a smiling donkey...
yep, you guessed it - "what in the flying crap is that all about...?!"

At closer inspection, I let out a chuckle as I realized he was getting a free wi-fi connection, of course! lol

(notice the sign at his feet)


Rounding the corner was the scene of poor Mary finding out she was going to be an unwed mom and probably have to go on welfare, luckily Joseph was a gullible guy and, well you know that part...

The entirety of the park was set up with elaborate displays that included a scene of a traditional Mexican family celebration including the making of sopes & tortillas and kids making quick work of a pinata, which showers them with lots of unrecognizable goodies. Judging from the way they were portrayed in mid-celebration, it was wasn't broccoli dropping out of it.

Another was a full-blown display of Adam & Eve in the garden of Eden, along with requisite 'strategically located' vines worn by the shameless pair, lol. This was especially interesting as it included every kind of animal they could fit, from a gorilla glowering at the passers-by to a hippo in a large man-made pond playfully floating about to the great amusement of the many kids visiting the park with their parents. It was quite clever, as they created the top portion of the hippo, probably in a styrofoam-type of compond, so you could only see the ears, eyes, nose and back floating on top of the water.

Next to that display was a depiction of the caravan of the Reyes Magos, which traditionally includes a horse, a camel and and elephant, with the color of each maji's skin corresponding accordingly also, as white guy rode the horse, the Arab on the camel, and a black fellow on (what else?!?!) the elephant... don't ask me, at least it wasn't the usual blue-eyed Jesus thing, but then again, I didn't check the kid out that closely. The Black Maji did have serious 'bling' going-on, with an all-gold robe, so he did a good job making the other two look under dressed for the occasion - hey, it's the king-of-kings; break out the tux with tails, gents!

A large section of the center display was dedicated to the manger scene, which was pretty traditional, and yes, Mary was almost vampire white in her complexion, (as was all the ladies of that region of Palestine during those days, right?). Baby Jesus was even giving the hand gesture that the Pope uses today, obviously it wasn't meant to be any kind of sign they give me while I'm driving in morning traffic, I hope.

The folks doing the display made, in my opinion, a fun change to the shepherds, as they were all Mexican peasants donned in the traditional straw hat and poncho attire of about 100 years ago. The ladies also wore the traditional shawl and scarf attire, creating a neat juxtaposition of the two cultures into a mixed-media display that was full of such fun idiosyncrasies.



The one that caught me off-guard was walking around the side of the scene of the manger and spotted sitting with several animals, was a gent dressed as a padre, complete with Luther-esque haircut and wool robes. I guess these guys were just sitting around before that time, ready to carry out the great commission. Hey, where was he when they were dragging poor Jesus off to die on Golgatha, anyway? Boy, could have used his help then!




Finally, heading out of the park and in the direction of Harry's, on the park's SW end, I was completely stunned to see before me, a truly Danteaen scene.... again, "what in the flying crap is that all about...?!"


Out of the frying pan and into the fire (& brimstone too)


I was awestruck at the artists creation showing what, apparently, was happening simultaneously down below in hell. They had constructed a representation of Satan sitting on his throne, clad in red & black robes and surrounded by several of his devils & demons, enjoying and also falling prey to the pleasures of the flesh, with all of its trappings. Each one seemed to extort one to the seven deadly sins, including sloth, gluttony, greed, and so on, much to the bemusement of the throngs of folks looking at the corner of the park.


To make it even more eerie, every five minutes a huge rat located in the middle of the display would belch out a large cloud of smoke (like the kind we used in my band - uh oh, we're going to heck for that one, I knew it! lol). Satan and his crew were enveloped into a hellish cloud and his glaring, evil smile was always just above the whole thing - very well done!

Contemplating on the display later that evening, I could not rid myself of the thought of how such a presentation of Satan and his demonic court would be received by the majority protestant Christian populace, with their puritanical approach to such matters. I would imagine it would involve protesters carrying signs, news crews broadcasting live from the 'controversial' display and culminating with a spot on Fox News and Bill O's cultural wars opinion pieces... it would probably create some fireworks indeed.

In an apropos indictment of my almost daily ritual of imbibing in wine & song, each evening I would come face-to-face with this horned & fanged, trident wielding dude with his gang of willing executioners laughing at my misdeeds and counting the days to when they would have me in their clutches to amuse themselves for all of eternity...

In my usual rebellious manner, I would simply give them 'the raspberries' as I passed by -

"pbbbbt! Take that, Lucifer! "

(yep, that showed him..!)


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